LB

By the way, we're moving to Buffalo

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:13:27 GMT

1. I am stressed out. Moving always sucks balls, but it sucks many extra balls when you are moving to almost-Canada, and have to find apartments from Atlanta, and have to move your dude up before yourself, and have about two million things to do at your current residence because you promised your parents two years ago you would do them, and are now working twice as much as you were a month ago. Why have I not cleaned out the attic yet? Why is the living room still a chaotic conglomeration of all the bullshit I don't use? Why have I not given away this bullshit?

2. I have to quit smoking, or at least cut down, before we get to New York, because I will not be able to afford it. And yet I am smoking more than ever. Due, I think, to the above-mentioned stress. Who has time to make a plan for quitting smoking when there are a dozen unwanted trees growing in the pinestraw island in the front yard, and the kitchen sink is leaking in a gnarly way, and you haven't done laundry for three weeks? And, most importantly, you are suffering from a serious case of over-commitment paralyzation, in which you work yourself into a mild hysteria over all the shit you have to do instead of doing it?

3. Also, it is hot as hell outside. And it's hot, too.

July: a month of rejection & other things

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 14:50:30 GMT

Rejection rarely takes the form that I imagine when I conjure up an image of it: of someone whose affection you desire patently expressing distaste for you. Instead, it usually takes the form of someone ignoring you. When you are into a dude who's not into you, for example, it's less likely that he'll tell you he doesn't like you than that he'll just walk in another direction when you approach. When you apply for a job you want, you will rarely receive a letter detailing all the reasons you are not going to get it. You just won't get a letter.

I should note that this month started out with a definite non-rejection: I got an e-mail, and an interview, and a job. I got a big heap of non-rejection to start out my month, and I feel a lot better than I did last month. But there are lots of little rejections piling up around it.

There is the little rejection of standing around with your best friend from high school's other best friends from high school while they discuss bridesmaid's dresses at her engagement party.

There is the little rejection of knowing only about three people at said party.

There is the little rejection of trying to contact a former professor whom you adored and having her completely ignore you.

There are those sorts of things.

There's this:

Dude1: That's your sister?
Me: Yep.
Dude2: Older or younger?
Me: Younger. She's 21, I'm 25.
Dude2: I would have thought she was older.
Dude1: No, she doesn't look older, she just looks...wiser. Smarter. I mean, you don't look stupid...
Dude2: Yeah, that's it. She looks way more wise than you.

Oh, well, thank you.

Generally Jenna's engagement party was an unpleasant experience.

Sometimes when Stephen's gone it clears my head, and other times it just makes me feel bored. This time it's more boring. I think it's good that he's gone so much, because it makes me appreciate him more fully. But I also fall asleep on the couch every night, let the house descend into chaos, and lock the door of my bedroom when I finally get in it to deter the various grotesque monsters of my imagination. And then the cat gets pissed off and wakes me up at 6 every morning.

So it's not ideal.

Maybe a relationship is a kind of rejection salve, and I don't feel it as much when he's here.

At any rate, whining aside, I'm in a decent place. Today I am going to try to correct the house chaos, and also the yard chaos that has resulted from my never having had to manage such things before. Then I'm going to invite you to a dinner party. This is some weird domestic fantasy I haven't been able to shake, so I feel like I might as well embrace it. I'm thinking second weekend of August.

I had to abandon the cocoon metaphor because butterflies are just too silly

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 16:46:37 GMT

At certain points in my life, I have hibernated. I do this on the cusp of big changes: the year I graduated from high school I hibernated, and I hibernated in 2005 when I lived with Niki. Sometimes the changes that follow hibernation are good (post-high school I went to AmeriCorps and found myself in all kinds of cheesy ways) and sometimes they are bad (post-Niki I entered a two-year debilitating depression*).

Hibernation is characterized by an intense focus on hobbies and home-bound activities and an uptick in conversations with myself about myself. I do not do many productive things when I am hibernating. My brain is taking its time in absorbing a change in situation or world-view.

Sometimes I think that I am an intelligent person, but even if I am I have to acknowledge that I am a very slow thinker. This is why I am sometimes funny while I'm writing but am never funny in person (I can never quite keep up with what's going on around me, so banter eludes me) and why I have a six-to-eight-month turnover period whenever something in my life changes.

So, obviously, I have been hibernating since I graduated. I sort of expected it, although I was hoping it would not last quite so long. And right now I am waking up. But the longer you hibernate the harder it is to wake up, and I am finding this wake-up period slow-going. I feel like every molecule in my body has been asleep for six months, and I must rouse each one individually.

For example, so far I seem to have woken up the part of myself that cleans my house. Still asleep: the part of myself that makes decisions about career paths.

But we're getting there.

Here are some important life lessons I've learned in the past few weeks of wake-up:

1. Own your shoes**
2. Do not be like the dude in Ikiru***
3. You are a soft and squishy human being, unlike Russians who lived through German occupation in WWII****

*The effects of Niki withdrawal?

**From an Arab folk tale about a guy who was such a miser he kept his old shoes for several decades, and everyone in his town made fun of him for how gross they were, so one day he decided to get rid of them. But every time he tried to get rid of them he would get himself into horrible trouble (he throws them out of a carriage and hits a pregnant woman in the head and she miscarries, so he gets thrown in jail; he throws them into a river and somehow clogs up a dam and floods a town, so he gets thrown in jail, etc.). The moral of the story is that there are some things about your personality you would do well to accept and learn to live with rather than trying to totally eliminate them.

***Totally the best movie I have ever watched

****Scott lent us City of Thieves, which was a really good book and also made me feel like a huge soft lump of flesh with a mushy brain in comparison to the characters.

Twitters

Tue, 05 May 2009 03:04:59 GMT

17:45 Listening to a woman totally bomb a two-on-one interview. Very, very painful. #

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Twitters

Mon, 04 May 2009 03:04:42 GMT

19:03 Birds can dance! tinyurl.com/cqu3fh #

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Twitters

Sat, 02 May 2009 03:05:38 GMT

23:50 Ariel, upon presenting 'drink stirrers' that look a lot like toothpicks: ''just pretend they're drink umbrellas that have been through a ... #

23:52 ...A bad storm.'' #

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Twitters

Fri, 01 May 2009 03:04:45 GMT

20:46 Life is being so annoying right now. #

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Twitters

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 03:05:05 GMT

22:39 As a remedy to my messiness I'm leaving notes for myself all over the house that say, "Don't leave your shit here." #

22:39 But Stephen says you can't write curse words on post-its. #

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Twitters

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 03:05:17 GMT

08:51 Jenna the Dental Hygienist has already hooked me up with a like a hundred whitening strips and "the best toothbrush ever." #

08:51 Also she says if you eat anything with cheese it won't give you cavities. #

11:38 Hanging out at dental hygienist school while jenna tries to find some papers. #

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Twitters

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 03:05:14 GMT

18:53 Swamps smell like wet dogs. #

19:07 Stuck behind 2 cops going 2 mph. Think they might be fucking with us. #

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Twitters

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 03:04:47 GMT

00:33 Hanging out with coworkers @ weird bar i'm underdressed for = best night ever. #

00:48 One of our stylists has been propositioned by not one! but two couples! #

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New objects!

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:01:32 GMT

1. A new washing machine! (from Dad)
Our old one had been broken for a month and a half. Two months? I had gotten into a habit of waiting way too long to do laundry because I was avoiding going to the laundromat, and then I would have to haul in two or three weeks worth of it. In the picture you can see that I am working my way through about 17 tons of laundry. But I am totally psyched about being able to do that in the privacy of my own home.

2. A print of a monster eating corn! (from Isaac)

One of a dozen prints that Isaac gave us when he stayed with us, and one of only two that are framed right now. Because framing things is expensive. It is cool to have actual art to hang up in my house, instead of just Miss Brill's weird copper things.*

3. A lily! (from Jill)

My sister the horticulture student grows a bunch of crops in her greenhouse management class and then gives them away because they make her grow A MILLION THINGS. She got marked off for this lily because her teacher said people don't like the tall ones, but it was totally the prettiest one, and now it's mine. You cannot imagine how awesome it smells. Unfortunately Wilson keeps trying to eat it.

4. A welcome mat! (from myself)

*Miss Brill's weird copper things are flat like paintings but also kind of 3-dimensional, so they're sort of like sculpture. We have horses, a giant peacock, a disturbing depiction of disembodied praying hands, kittens in top-hats, etc. Obviously they are kind of awesome, but I think it was time to start mixing it up. To get some non-weird-copper-things to hang up. Also, Stephen hates them.

Twitters

Sat, 18 Apr 2009 03:04:27 GMT

12:02 After a month and a half we just got a working washing machine. I have never enjoyed doing laundry more. #

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Twitters

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 03:06:00 GMT

16:14 It was a were-possum. And the horrifying sounds we've been hearing were the sounds of a were-possum eating rats. #

22:19 Stephen's got possum fever. #

22:20 "I would be into the following things: 1. Catching a possum. 2. Finding a possum, following it home and having possum tea with it." #

22:22 "...3. Catching a possum and making it grant me three wishes." #

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Wed, 07 Jan 2009 06:07:18 GMT

In the past month I have knitted this and this:

One of these:

Three of these:

The gayest dishrag in five counties:

And 3/4 of a baby sweater:

This is way, way more knitting than I should be doing.

Instant Happiness

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 17:16:26 GMT

A live streaming feed of puppies! Just toggle that shit to full-screen and feel the stress melt off your brain-cicles.

-> View directly here
-> Gawker: America Deserves A New Puppy, Too

Feels like Christmas

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 12:50:39 GMT

My emotional progression last night was like this:

7pm: I hope Obama wins Georgia!

8pm: Obama ain't winning Georgia, and my idea that he could win in Cobb County based on my voting experience (so few old white people!) now seems very misguided (although he won in Washington County, my county of origin! By 1%) Map looks the same as 2004 so far, and I am concerned.

~9:30pm: They announce Obama won Ohio. I relax my balls and realize he is probably going to win the election, then sob for half an hour. It was not dignified.

10pm: Apparently exhaust myself & fall asleep.

????: Wake up to MSNBC like, "What's up President-elect Obama???" Crowds screaming. People at Spellman dancing. Jesse Jackson crying. Oh, the tears.

Of course, I am trying not to get too carried away. As Gawker says, "He inherits a nation utterly fucked to it's core by the venal incompetents of the Bush years, and lord knows it's idiotic to invest all your hopes in one guy egomaniacal enough to want to be president at all, but we have secret hopes in our tiny heart that he'll be a decent success. And, of course, we all get fucking unicorns. Seriously. Check your mail next January. Unicorns and cocaine for all!"
--Gawker: President Barack Obama

Also and

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:54:17 GMT

Here is James Brown with a song weirdly appropriate to electiontimes this year.

I suffered through a four-hour line on Friday so y'all can deal with that bullshit on your own tomorrow.

Creative Loafing has a voter's guide that, in addition to giving a helpful explanation of the amendments we're voting on, has a truly amazing cover image.

Where are my brainz?

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 14:19:08 GMT

Lemuria is playing here with Jeff Lewis at the Drunken Unicorn tomorrow. Jeff Lewis delights me, so I am psyched about that.

I am also psyched about seeing Jay and Sheena and Alex again, because they are so damned lovable.

Not psyched about: this paper, anything re: school, or the fact that there are a million Reese's peanut butter cups in my house and I am capable of eating approximately half a ton of those in one sitting.

Is a million Reese's peanut butter cups equal to half a ton of them? I'll let you know.

Here are some thoughts from my mind grapes to start your Monday morning:

1. It's good to be strict with yourself*, and you should deny yourself some things.

2. You are always, always living within the restrictions you place on yourself, and it would behoove you to occasionally step back and try to figure out what they are.

3. None of the myriad smokers in my family have ever gotten lung cancer, but a few have died of emphysema.

4. Strong group identity develops out of a need to protect your dignity.

Questions I am preoccupied with:
Have I become dumber, or was I ever smart in the first place?

Do all people have to fight to remember their ethics, or does this only happen to people who pursue careers in ethical minefields?

*I use the second person a lot when conveying my little platitudes, which I believe occasionally makes me seem pompous, so allow me to clarify that I am pretty much always talking to myself.

Saturday Laura Headlines

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 13:31:19 GMT

Milan Kundera May Have Sent Someone to the Uranium Mines
A Czech newspaper is accusing Milan Kundera of denouncing someone in the '50s. Meaning, they say he told the Soviets about some non-Soviet and they sent that non-Soviet to work in the Uranium mines.

The NYT says the evidence is suspect, but apparently the Czech national character involves hating famous people, so they're all like, "Yeah, fuck you Kundera!"

“The revelation that Kundera denounced someone is seen by Czechs as a vindication of their belief that he has been betraying them for years,” said Petr A. Bilek, a professor of comparative literature at Charles University here. “His fellow dissident writers have long tried to dismiss him as someone who writes intellectual pornography for mediocre Western readers.”

Ouch.

My Parents' Dog is Sick
My parents are in Pennsylvania (where my dad works? it's complicated) and I'm taking care of their dog, our dog, whom we've had since she was about 2 and I was about nine, making her approximately 17 years old. And she's been getting around pretty well but it's evident that she is in a lot of pain. I feel like a monster because she's either lying around whimpering or walking around in circles, and all I can do is give her baby aspirin.

She's still eating a lot, and from my experience at the vet clinic (when I was 15 and she was 8!) when animals are eating a lot they're usually okay. But she is not acting okay.

Stephen: Hooray!
I like Stephen.

I Sure Hope I'm Not Working Much This Week and Also I Need To Develop Better Time Management Skills
IMMEDIATELY.

Most of my nightmares involve people without heads

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 12:04:29 GMT

I had one of those dreams where you think you are waking up. My alarm went off and Steve Inskeep started talking at me and I heard him say it was November 5, and John McCain was President of the United States. So I went in the bathroom and threw up. I woke up like you do from a nightmare--fucking tense and sweaty and having to remind myself it was just a dream.

About a month ago (oh my God, Labor Day was f-i-v-e weeks ago) my dad and I agreed that this was one of the least upsetting elections we'd had to participate in. We felt that both Obama and McCain were good people. I was at the time a little sour on McCain, first of all because I am a communist and secondly because he has shifted so many of the positions that were the reasons I used to like him, and Dad wasn't crazy about Obama because his policies really are pretty far left of my dad's. But the reasons we didn't like one another's candidates were purely policy issues, and oh how I have longed for that day since I was born.

That was, of course, before McCain chose Palin as his running mate.

Cut to October, and holy fuck the whole world has exploded, and the differences between McCain and the Antichrist are becoming increasingly muddy for me. His choice of Palin was a clear "Fuck you!" to all of us--a statement that he gives much more of a shit about winning than he does about our welfare. If you are not alarmed by the potential of Palin as President in a crisis like this, you have not learned your lesson about charming idiots who want to be President, and you are going to KILL US ALL. Bush didn't have to deal with one tenth of what whoever we elect this time is going to have to deal with.

Palin is not a choice I would have expected McCain to make in a million years. For all his flaws, I fucking trusted that motherfucker.

So now I feel like I've been dropped into some screaming vortex, and I am clinging to Obama and his lead in the polls for dear life. Five weeks ago I wanted Obama to win but wouldn't have been particularly worried if McCain did. Now I feel like if McCain wins, the End Times are upon us. I am so panicky, y'all.

Why I hate ReadyMade now: A diatribe

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 22:52:16 GMT

Probably no one else reads this bullshit magazine because it is bullshit, so in case you are unfamiliar, ReadyMade was once a DIY magazine about how to make cool things. Now it is some sort of awful hipster/yuppie nonsense about how to be cool by making things.

I have had a subscription to it for two years and I bought it bi-monthly for about two years before that, and let me tell you, it has become pretty much total garbage since I began subscribing. It was like they were just waiting for me to give them a lump sum of cash, and then they were like, "Cool, now we can start sucking."

REASONS READYMADE IS A TERRIBLE ANNOYING MAGAZINE
1. Every year they publish a green issue, a tradition which started when they did not suck. This year they published it, but they did not call it "The Green Issue." A letter inside explained that since environmentalism/being green has become a mainstream sort of phenomenon embraced by all sorts of uncool people, calling this issue "The Green Issue" would have been embarrassing.

You think I exaggerate! Here is part of the letter. First of all it is titled, "The Greenwashing Issue" and subtitled, "What happens when what you've always believed becomes a fad?" The writer spends the first portion of the letter explaining that when ReadyMade started, the idea was to take "the castoffs of an overheated consumer culture into our little workshop and give them a new life." (that was back when they didn't suck) Then she explains how suddenly the whole world is freaked out about the environment. And then she says this:

"But how much ecotainment can people really take? Even we suddenly feel a little embarrassed about writing "The Green Issue" on our cover. (We didn't.) It's like our favorite indie band, whom we saw play at a local dive a few years back, is now selling out the sports arena."

Oh, you're right, it is totally exactly like that. If you think the potential of human extinction is of equivalent importance to some band you liked once.

She makes some lame excuse about how they worry that "green fatigue" will make environmentalism a fad instead of a lasting phenomenon, but it is fairly obvious from the band metaphor that "The Green Issue" didn't get called "The Green Issue" mainly because the editors would have felt dorky about it. And since the original goal of this publication was to teach people how to reduce their consumption and combat consumer culture IN ORDER TO SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT, that is pretty fucking dumb.

2. Speaking of how they used to want to combat consumer culture: now they are totally, totally into it. Each issue contains more lists of super-expensive bullshit you should buy. This issue has a two-page spread dedicated to attractive clock radios.

3. When I started buying the magazine there were four or five practical, useful, interesting projects I put on my to-do list in every issue. Now I feel lucky if I find a good recipe.

4. This issue contains advertisements for Martha Stewart Crafts.

good things

Sun, 05 Oct 2008 16:15:42 GMT

1. Arieltime all the time! She keeps trying to get me drunk and I keep punking out at 11:00.

2. I get to see this adorable motherfucker tomorrow:

You go a year and a half in a long distance relationship and you think you're tough, but somehow three days still seems like A MILLION YEARS.

3. General response to my first story seems positive. By that I mean: my parents like it. I am going to edit it some and then I am going to submit it to some fucking place, because, you know, why the fuck not? Post-editing I will make it available for reading here, in case you are yearning to read about concrete.

4. THIS MOVIE LOOKS SO AMAZING

Interview with the director: Politics as Bloodsport: A Conversation with Stefan Forbes

As of right now it isn't coming anywhere near Georgia, though.

From your friend who wakes up at 7am for no good reason

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 14:37:33 GMT

Very frightening things are happening in finance this morning.

Stocks Slide as 2 Wall St. Banks Falter

The Dow Jones industrial average dropped more than 300 points in just under 10 minutes of trading, and the major European stock exchanges sank more than 4 percent, in the first wave of investor reaction to some of the most dramatic developments in the history of high finance.

Woohoo!

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:09:10 GMT

Party at the Department of the Interior!

The investigation also concluded that several of the officials “frequently consumed alcohol at industry functions, had used cocaine and marijuana, and had sexual relationships with oil and gas company representatives.”

The investigation separately found that the program’s manager mixed official and personal business, and took money from a technical services firm in exchange for urging oil companies to hire the firm. In sometimes lurid detail, the report accuses him of having intimate relations with two subordinates, one of whom regularly sold him cocaine.